Shadowy · illusions

Start our first cycle at the Fertility clinic tomorrow. If all goes well first time round then could be pregnant in 3 weeks.
Scary!
I shouldnt have my hopes up though, it might not even work first time round. But it's really hard not to get your hopes up over something like this.

Eek!! Excited, Nervous, Scared. So many emotions!

So I spent my whole life avoiding making lots of friends - I was never a popular person and never wanted to be. Just wanted close friends in my life.
I always classed my family as my friends, I loved hanging out with them, they made me laugh and it was always the one place I could always be myself.
Now I'm losing close friends & I appear to be losing my family too.
I don't know where I went wrong, and why I'm such a failure at life.

If I don't have my family I have nothing.

So right now, as each day goes by, I seem to be ending up with nothing.

Sad.
:(

..since I updated this thing.
I don't even know where to begin.
I haven't told anyone this but...I'm scared.

I always tend to laugh off all the really bad things that happen to me...like the CF & Pancreas problems. & the mental issues.
When people ask me about them I talk casually ...it's part of my life. I accept that.
But when I'm all alone & I really think about it..yeah, it sucks.

I had lunch with my Aunty a few weeks ago - she complains about EVERYTHING in life. And it is so draining to hear her talk. & then she always says "Oh I shouldn't complain, you should be the one complaining...all the shit things in life you have been dealt"

But I don't complain about it.
God made me the way I am for a reason - but does that also mean God gives babys cancer for a reason? It is so confusing.

Anyway, I'm not scared of my illness's...they are a fact of my life. I get on. I deal.

I am, however, scared of what is happening next week.

A month ago I was diagnosed with having Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome...basically at one point my ovaries were working perfectly & sometime in the last 3years they have become deformed.
How deformed? Well that is what I am going to find out.
Scary thing is...they are also testing for Cancer.

I don't really know what to make of that. That is the one thing I am truly scared of. & not because I will be sick. But of what it will do to my family. What it will do to my mum.

My mum was dying when I was 7. She was dying because of me. I made her sick. She didn't talk. She didn't eat. She didn't go outside. She lay in bed waiting to die. All because I was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis.

What is gonna happen if I get bad news next week? Will I even want to tell my mum? or go it alone?.

The doctor told me to prepare myself for the worst...what am I supposed to make of that?

I'm scared. And I don't know what to do. And I don't have anyone to talk to.
I've lost all my friends. And one of my Best Friends is over the other side of the world. And the other just doesn't get it.

I know I shouldn't be thinking the worst when I haven't had the test yet...so I'm trying to think positive. But I can't sleep. I can't eat.

No matter what the result is I have to go on living either way. I have to fight for my life back. And not just because of Cancer - The CF, Pancreatitis, Bulimia & Depression. I have to fight. I put on a brave face everyday because I want to make others happy...but I need to really have a true smile on my face because I'm happy.

I just don't know how to get there right now.

...don't get much better as you get older.

I'm 21 today. I feel old.

My party was okay-ish. People cancelled at last minute. Used to that though, being let down by people. But it really does show who are real friends & who isn't.

Am supposed to be going out to dinner with Alpha tonight but he has to work late.
So I am spending my Birthday alone, at home, with no food. Oh well.

I guess I'm just used to every year being at my parents having a Roast & Cake.

The faster this day is over the better.

Make that the faster this year is over, 2010 is going to be a year of cutting certain people out of my life. I'm sick of trying with them & I've had enough.

Got back from Aussie on Friday.
was such a good trip. Really needed to get out of NZ.
Went to Movieworld, Dreamworld & White Water World. So much fun.
& the Icecream over there beats our Ice-cream...I would go back just to have some Cold Rock or Baskin Robbins!

Was so happy to be home though, I always love it coming back to Auckland, even when I go away on Roadtrips, as soon as I see the Skytower I know I'm where I'm supposed to be.
I had tears in my eyes as we flew into AKL. Haha. such a loser.

hopefully life starts to get better now that I'm back.
Going to start clearing out the clutter in my life.
Starting with pointless friends. No longer going to be a doormat. Woo.

I fail.
Recovery sucks. It's been 3weeks & I've purged like 5times. Thats an improvement but still not great.
I haven't been sticking to a routine. I sleep all day.
I had a terrible night last night.
I asked God to take my life away from me & that I didn't need it anymore.
I woke up this morning, so maybe God thinks I need my life.
I don't know.
All I want to do is crawl into my bed & sleep. Sleep forever.